For years I was a person who aimed to please people’s lives…I wanted to make everyone happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. Call me a people pleaser if you will…
But today, after an uncomfortable situation at work I found myself starting to steam…my cheeks flushed, and I felt the anxiety creeping in with it’s quiet demeanor. Darn it…here we go again. WAIT.
I stopped, drafted an email explaining my concerns with what I was asked to do, and set it aside.
I waited, nearly 10 minutes and came back to it to reread what I had wrote.
I hit send…to the powers that be and then…
I waited again for a response…
I got confirmation that I was in the right, and that I didn’t need to do the task I was originally asked to perform as it was out of my scope.
And then,
I smiled. I stood up for myself. I said no.
This was a welcomed milestone in my moving forward mantra, and I am still smiling.
Do you have a problem saying no? If so, how have you dealt with it?
I have been toying with this post for a while, but between my computer dying and lack of time I put it off…
I had read a post on one of my favorite blogs a while back…www.ilaxstudio.com about whether or not you go back and delete old posts. My initial response was, “No, my blog is a catalog of my journey.” But tonight I decided to go back and read some old posts I had written since I started this blog back in 2011. Wow…it was an eye opener to read some of my early writings shortly after I retired from the Air Force. My initial blog was named “From blue, to jeans” but I’ve updated it to my current site in the last couple years.
Some of my posts were…well, sheer torture to read. Was I really so down in the dumps all the time? Was transitioning from the military, and being a single military wife for many months so hard? Apparently, yes, it was from what I read… I whined…a lot. Gah. So I deleted several posts tonight, because that just isn’t the course I need to take anymore. I’m sure I’ll go back and delete at least a few more. For moving forward to me, is a journey filled with change, positivity and not dwelling on the past. Sure, tough times are had by all…but I don’t need or want that sort of thing to be the premise of my writing. I’ve worked hard this last year or so to literally delete negativity from my life, because I have the tendency to get sucked in to that frame of mind and in all honestly-I want to break that pattern.
So tonight, after what was the busiest day I’ve encountered at my not so new job, I came home, and ran…just an easy 3.3 miles, but I ran none the less. I’ve lacked motivation these last few weeks coming off the Fox Valley half marathon with my hubby, but I know I’ve got a race coming up and I just can’t half ass it…it’s not in me to just wing it…My 11th half marathon in two weeks, the Naperville half marathon.
In doing so, I found my inspiration to finally write this post. I thought back to 2007 when with only 8 weeks to train I signed up for my first half marathon, the San Antonio Rock-n-Roll half marathon. Seven years ago, at this time I had hit a tough spot in life and decided to give my heart to distance running and I lost myself on the road. I ran the entire race, which was my goal…and I finished in 2:19 (I believe? how can I forget?)…I’ve ran 10 half marathons, but this one will always hold a special place in my heart.
My biggest fans after finishing my first half marathon in 2007!
I found myself there, on those 13.1 miles of streets, roads, and city sites…and although there have been bumps in the road, I now smile daily, and live to tell my story another day.
My computer official died. So my recap will be short as I’m posting via my phone.
We made it to the start with an hour to spare. I was oddly not nervous and was met up by my awesome friends. Brian was quiet but I believe he was excited.
I have been battling sickness for the entire week. My PTO bank is nearly empty, and I have a race to run in just over one week.
So what did I do tonight, after a long day at work?
I cooked. I washed my hands, cleared my throat, took my sinus meds, took another deep breath…and I cooked. I made my famous chicken soup, of course, because what else do you eat when you aren’t feeling well?
This week has been a toughy…sickness, seeing so many lose loved ones, and just in general discord lead me to write this post.
Because at the end of the day, isn’t it all about what brings us joy?
So tonight I dusted off my knives, prepared dinner with my youngest sous chef by my side, reminding myself not to be the squelcher of joy in my kids lives. Because sadly, I have found myself being a squelcher.
What is a squelcher you ask? It’s the one who constantly nags, clean you room, get your elbows off the table, do your chores, oh, and is your homework done all on a Friday night when they should be able to let their hair down…meh, I suck sometimes.
So tonight, I shut my trap. I let it all be. I called my Mom, like any 41 year old woman does, and I vented, chatted, and laughed. I listened to my kids banter. I welcomed my husband’s kisses…and I just smiled.
This weekend I will celebrate my eldest daughter’s 15th birthday one week early. I will rest. And I will mentally prepare for our half marathon NEXT weekend.
1. I haven’t ran in 6 days…after a wonderful weekend in Chicago this past weekend, I caught my death with who knows which strand of flu. I felt it hit Monday night and it took it’s toll on my body, and my mental strength to say the least. I have prided myself in my mental strength over the years not only in regards to running, but life in general as I’ve been hit with more than I’d wish on my worst enemy in my lifetime. But Tuesday night after being sent home from work (NEVER happens) I cried. I’ve worked so hard this summer training with my husband for his first half marathon, to not run for a WEEK is killer to the mind and soul. Because if I don’t run, well, he doesn’t either…so I hope this doesn’t hurt HIM in our race next weekend. We are going to run tomorrow, regardless of how I feel…I don’t want to let him down.
2. I am in awe of the friends and family who reached out to me this week. My immediate family, friends both near and far, and even coworkers texted to see if I needed anything. I feel. so. loved. Additionally, I realized I need to stop chasing people who just don’t give a shit about me even if they are blood. I’ve unfollowed several this week, and will continue to squelch negative energy from my life. For I have so many blessings that surround me. Chasing long lost hopes for relationships that used to exist is a waste of my blood, sweat, and tears. Just because you were close to someone decades ago, doesn’t mean that relationship will last. Move on. ‘Nuff said.
3. Today marked the 13th anniversary of the September 11th bombings. I never do very well on this day…I remember the call, the terror, and the sense of urgency that was felt while I was stationed at Scott Air Force Base, IL in 2001. I remember working more hours than I can count that day as our blood donor center was activated. I remember the buzz of the Humvees that circled the base’s perimeter. I remember my friends and I huddled in my tiny trailer home, tightly snuggled on my couch, watching the news and people falling from the top of the towers. I remember tears, pain, and a newfound love for my Air Force family. We were bonded so closely, but this brought us even closer together. Our lives, will never be the same, and if asked I could name every single person that sat with me on that grave evening.
This post has no pictures, gifs, or the like.
It’s simply a real post of ME, and all I have held close to me in my 41 years.
I haven’t blogged in over a week. There. I said it. My computer is on the fritz, and to be honest I’ve needed to just unplug somewhat lately. Less…well, is more lately. Sometimes you just need a little support and feedback, and social media has more than disappointed me lately. Bah.
But some key bullet points go a little like this…
We’ve remained nearly on point for our half marathon training. We did our last super longish run on Friday night, despite the crazy rain, thunderstorms, and tornado warnings. 10 miles, done. We will do our miles this week, and a semi-long run this weekend to keep consistency but embracing the taper. Our race is less than 2 weeks away!
We went to Chicago last weekend to get some much needed downtime, and enjoyed some amazing food.
This afternoon my eldest texted me a photo of a note that her “friend” wrote her asking her to homecoming. My heart was so happy for her, yet sad for me as I see my baby girl growing up into a lady…please. stop. time. But I am thankful she shared this moment, with me…
Tonight, my youngest started her first ballet class, and despite feeling very rushed after work to get home, feed the kids, get homework squeezed in, and a quick shower, (ack, holy commas) we made it to class by 6 pm. I snuck quite a few peeks in the window, and was taken aback by my daughter’s grace. She lacks focus, she has a hard time staying on track…but she would see me watching and all of a sudden her ‘position’ moves became seamless. I couldn’t help but to smile behind my tears. My parents were always too busy to put me in activities, and I find myself often in the same situation. So making time for this one hour per week class is almost selfish for it’s for ME too…seeing her joy brings ME such joy. It’s worth missing out on a run/workout to see her face light up.
We watched Master Chef tonight…and although I may have sidelined my audition for yet another year due to financial constraints, I still get that pull to my heart watching the contestants compete each week. Yet I know I don’t have the confidence or skill quite yet…but it’s coming.
So this year I will regroup. Refocus. And cook my heart out by recipe from world renowned cook books that sit on my shelf collecting dust.
I may or may not go to the casting call of Master Chef in Chicago on October 11th. I need to dig deep. And believe. But I also know our family cannot sustain on one income.
Training is coming along nicely for our half marathon. It’s hard to believe in just over 3 weeks my hubby and I will be crossing the finish line of his first half marathon, and my 11th (I think-I really need to count up my races). Despite only running twice last week due to weather issues, we haven’t missed many training runs and we’ve gotten all of our long runs in. Saturday will mark our last long run before we start to taper down, and we will be joining the Fox Valley crew for the 6th and last organized group training run. We’ll still be running long of course, just not in an organized group. I am also volunteering again this year, and have taken on the co-director roll of volunteers. This is no easy task, but rewarding none the less. We even get cool director race bling.
This is my happy place all summer long…here we are at our 4th training run I believe.Directors got THIS! SHWEET!
Time has a funny way of healing past hurts. I know, it’s a saying everyone’s heard, “Time heals all wounds,” but I am not sure it ever truly HEALS our wounds, more so it helps us learn how to deal with them and move forward. I’ve always been one to forgive, but forgetting is something I’ve never mastered, nor do I really want to in all honestly. For if you let history repeat itself, let that guy keep abusing you, let that friend keep hurting you, let that coworker keep bullying you-you have no one to blame but yourself. I was the victim for quite a few years, and I didn’t like myself all that much back then, if I am being truly honest. So with TIME…I’ve learned to forgive, but remember always the lessons learned from the hurts I’ve encountered in my life.
As it’s nearing Tapering time, I remember how tough of a time I had last year tapering during full marathon training. I never get the full feeling of “taper madness” during half marathon training I assume from the obvious less mileage you put in during half marathon training. It’s kinda nice to be honest…hehe I am enjoying it while I can, as I know February will be here before I know it and full marathon training will begin for me again!
LOL…I didn’t get to run today due to storms. “Honey, are you ok you seem grumpy today?” I am fine. LOL
Questions!!!!!
Are you training for anything? How’s it going for you?
Do you have tips on moving forward in regards to past hurts?
I caveat this post with a disclaimer. This post (and all my posts) are simply a journaling of my thoughts, experiences, hopes, dreams, struggles as lived and breathed by yours truly. They in no way are directed to anyone, nor are my opinions directed toward anyone other than…ME. I share these said experiences as it helps me, by hopefully inspiring, helping, or provoking thought by others.
Moving on…
Ack, I haven’t blogged in a week. Mind you, it’s always been in the back of my mind to take the time to sit down and write…but the time just escaped me last week. My girls go back to school on Wednesday with my eldest entering high school and my youngest starting 3rd grade. It’s been a scramble to get school supplies, shoes, registration, dentist appointments, physicals and lastly gym shoes with ‘free time’ being sparse. But…we got it done…and Wednesday my first born will be walking the halls of high school where life will bring her challenges, heart aches, and success stories all wrapped up in four crazy years. Lord help me have patience and strength to help her…My youngest starts 3rd grade (and pray her cold subsides, please!)…and I pray she finds her groove this year. Prayers all around!
My hubby and I got in two amazing 4 milers this week, and I have now been using Myfitnesspal app for a week and am down 2.6 lbs. YAHOO.
posted previously, but so proud…second 4 miler. bam!
Friday was our date night…it’s been a while, so we planned an amazing tapas style dinner at a local Italian place. It was. AMAZING.
Lemon cello cheers!
We went to see the movie, “The hundred foot journey” and we both really enjoyed it. Although I wasn’t pulled in emotionally by the acting, the story itself was profound. It highlighted the fact that if you truly have a passion for something, you can achieve your goals! A home cook turned Michelin (sp?) star Chef what??? Yup…GREAT motivator to not give up on my dreams.
Saturday we ran errands and finally after three years of living in our home bought curtains for our bedroom. Baby steps, right?
The beautiful comforter is a handmedown from my parents…Love!
Saturday night was carbloading for our 10 mile run. I haven’t ran double digits since my half marathon in May, and this was my husband’s FIRST double digit run.
Rice pasta with meat sauce…win!
We got up before the sun on Sunday, and headed out to Geneva running outfitters for our 10 miler. I was pacing the ten minute mile pace group. And my Garmin died. Just like that. GAH….but thankfully one of my runners said he would pace us, if I would direct us…and we finished strong. What an amazing group.
Pic taken from my friend Cindy..ack, do I really hunch over like that? (I am in the orange)And I got to meet one of my Movers, Sarah! Awesome day!
We got home early, pigged out, and tackled house cleaning. I spent the afternoon on the couch watching “Divergent.” GREAT movie.
I asked my hubby why he decided to run a half marathon while we shared a celebratory glass of wine…”To do something with you, of course.” My heart sang. After 11 years together, and 10 years (nearly) of marriage this man never stops taking my breath away.
This week marks my monthly 6 day work week…and tonight, after work I rushed home to shower, change, and head out to the marathon committee meeting and I still find myself learning so much that comes to planning a race. Please, take a moment to thank your local race committee and directors. It’s a job that doesn’t pay monetarily but makes you feel so darn good.
Gosh we look so serious. lol
At the end of the day, I find myself counting my blessings this past week. My family #truths:
We don’t have a lot of ‘disposable’ money. We get our hair cut at Cost Cutters. We shop consignment, 95% of the time. We don’t take lavish vacations or have fancy cars or home(s). But we do treat ourselves once every couple months to a nice dinner or a cool running outfit (for example). We celebrate our laughter, and embrace our tough times…together. We may get frustrated with each other…but we always work together. We don’t compromise who we are…instead, we figure out how we can meld together as a cohesive unit. It’s not easy…
Two of the hardest and best accomplishments of my life, were definitely running a full marathon (x2), and childbirth (x2).
Here is how I think I looked during my first marathon…lol
LOL
I celebrate the later of these two accomplishments today, as we celebrate the 8th birthday of my youngest daughter.
Let me back track almost 15 years, to the birth of my first daughter. The pregnancy was difficult, I had several miscarriages, my then marriage SUCKED, and I felt completely isolated and alone living far away from my immediate family. Childbirth was difficult but my Mom drove out to be with me thankfully. Despite my love for my first born, immediately I swore…I’d NEVER. EVER. have more kids. My body wasn’t made for this, and this one little gift from God was mine, and I couldn’t want for anything more…
Fast forward almost 4 years, and I met the love of my life who not only loved me, but my daughter as well. A year later we were married, and a year after that we decided to try and have a baby. Within the first month I was pregnant, and nearly just as quickly I lost the baby. I wasn’t sure I could do this again…but we didn’t give up, and mid fall of 2005 we found out we were going to have a baby.
My pregnancy went without a hitch or hiccup. I was healthy as a horse (and nearly as big as one too) and worked up until my due date. Little Miss Sophia was almost a week late, deciding she would do things on HER time. (And that hasn’t changed a bit, lol). August 5th, 2006 my beautiful princess was born.
This post is dedicated to my daughters…may YOU never feel less then AMAZING-every-single-day. For your sense of wonder, inner beauty, passion for life and quirky personalities amaze ME every-single-day!!! Never, ever let the system squash your spirit!!! At the end of the day, it’s the effort you put forth in life that reaps the benefits. Be it in running, goals, parenting, careers, or relationships…it is ALWAYS worth it in the end.
I have really tried to keep up with my blog, as I truly love this outlet for writing and sharing my story. But sometimes, life tends to get in the way of allowing us ‘free time’ for things we love.
But this week I spent the week doing things I love. My job, running, spending time with family and friends, and cooking.
Here is my week, (more so weekend) in pictures.
My work week was busy to say the least, and despite wanting to crawl in to bed Friday night and ignore life and my upcoming alarm that was set for Saturday morning at O DARK 30, I knew I needed to get my gear ready for my 9 mile run. It still amazes me that 9 miles is now LONG for me, but I embrace it all the same as I’ve taken this year off for full marathon distance.
I made my obligatory pasta, set my gear out, and hit the hay by 10 pm.
gearRice pasta with sausage….yum!
I wish I could say my 9 mile run was great. But it wasn’t. It sucked. It was humbling. And I thought back to last year when I was at 16 miles at this point…I couldn’t hold pace…I thought I was going to #pantsmypoop and I wanted to die…a little. But I finished. And despite major suckage, I felt strong regardless. #nowwhereismyfoamroaller
Overall 9:41 pace, NOT where I need to be…
I came home, showered, and tried to nap before heading out to my nieces and nephew’s bday party. Sleep was not happening, so I got up showered, and was blessed to spend time with my immediate family. I love these people. More than life itself, and I found myself hugging them all a little tighter.
It truly baffles my mind that my kids, and nieces and nephews are growing up so fast. Where does the time go?
I spent the evening later, with my amazing friends who live next door, talking, laughing, and drinking wine/water while sitting by a fire.
Love evening fires
Today was a busy day filled with school clothes shopping at Once Upon a child and Plato’s closet. I refuse to buy brand new, and simply can’t afford to do so…200 dollars later, my kids are set. Plus we had fun planning for my youngest daughter’s 8th birthday party.
Birthday party fun!
At the end of the day, I realize this…my training runs may not always go as planned. I may not always have enough time or money to keep things moving forward. BUT. I always have my friends and family to keep my spirits UP.
Tonight I made stuffed zucchini that I acquired from my amazing next door neighbors. It was easy, healthy, and delish!
Prep time, layered with pork/beef, eggplant, marinara sauce and cheeseFinished product, served over quinoa with oyster mushrooms
My youngest daughter turns 8 on Tuesday…which means no more car/booster seats in my future, and another milestone knocked off my list. My kids are growing up, and I find myself growing up with them….
I have a bad temper, lack of patience, and have too much on my plate most days. But THEY have helped me be a better person, Mom, and friend.
But all of these joys that I continue to pour myself in to each day make all the bad just a little bit better. I used to tell myself that one day things would get easier. Yet I’ve realized things DON’T get easier, EVER. You just get better at dealing with it all….
And it’s never easy. But you get stronger, every single, day. If you choose to do so…
So this week will be crazy busy, and I am ok with that…because I choose…to keep movin’ forward.
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Movin' it with Michelle 