My oldest came to me last night, telling me about her “slam poetry” contest she had to do today for school. She brought up the topic of the military family, but nothing could prepare me emotionally before reading her work. As I read these words I suddenly understood so much of the events that have taken place in the last 6 months, tears streaming down my cheeks, and my heart may have broke a little but it is also filled with so much pride.
Here is her poem, that explains what she’s gone through during this deployment. Her poem won the contest today, and I am so proud of her for putting her thoughts together in this way and for sharing with everyone. Please feel free to share with anyone, military families especially.
Pride, by Jordyn D.
November, 2015
That first second I stepped into the car, I knew something was wrong
I could just tell by the look on my mom’s face
The face that communicated she was trying to stay strong, was trying to pretend everything was fine
When it so clearly wasn’t
I remember that I had to practically beg her to tell me what was wrong
And I remember wishing that I didn’t know once I found out
I remember the shock that went through my body
The disbelief, followed by fear, followed by anger, followed by a crushing numbness
You see, my Dad’s in the Army, well Army Reserves to be exact, at least he was when this happened
You see, Army Reserves are the men who are on “stand by”, fully trained, fully qualified
Ready to deploy if ever comes the day when the order is given
Which so rarely happens
That’s what Active Duty was for, they were the men who were ‘“first pick”
The men that were deployed the most
So why, out of all the units in the U.S was my Dad’s chosen?
At the time all I felt was confusion
Six months later, all I feel is pride
December, 2015
Christmas is my favorite holiday
But a month after finding out my dad won’t be here for the Christmas in 2016 all I felt was sorrow
Sorrow, confusion, anger, fear, and numbness
To me, it was just another month closer to having to say goodbye for a full year
My mom started saying “Let’s not wish the time away”
Yet I have never felt time go by as fast as it did
It was like trying to hold water
Desperately trying to hold on, yet drop by drop time would escape
That Christmas I clung to each and every thing that happened
Desperately attempting to cherish what time I had left with my dad
December I tried to fix my problems by trying not to care
By trying to ignore my sorrow, confusion, anger, fear, and numbness
Five months later, all I feel is pride
January, 2016
Barely three months left
Date of deployment – March 8th, 2016
The month of January is a haze, I kind of lost myself that month, lost all sense of purpose
My sole priority – spending time with my Dad
I hadn’t hung out with anyone in three months
My relationships with people were weakening
Tension at home was strengthening
Time was diminishing
My grades started to suffer
My overall mental health was a mess
I felt so alone
All the while still being drowned with the sadness, fear, anger, confusion, and numbness
Four months later, all I feel is pride
February, 2016
February was a blur
My dad wasn’t even home for the most part
Instead he was on the other side of the world on a scouting mission
Getting things ready for his unit to arrive when they finally deployed
February was when I felt the most anger
The most fear
The most everything
Our time left was growing smaller with each passing second
Three months later, all I feel is pride
March 8th, 2016
It was a Tuesday
It was cold
It was cloudy
It was the day I would say goodbye to my dad for a year
The final goodbye was the hardest thing I have gone through
Standing at the place where we would leave him, we were surrounded by many other families
Each and every single one of us going through the same thing
Each of us understanding
Listen to me when I say that saying goodbye to a loved one
When you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again
Is such an unexplainable loss
A feeling that I cannot put into words
Such drowning sadness I felt that day, I didn’t know how I would get by
All these what if’s running through my head
So many regrets, so much time lost
The sadness that there’s so much my dad will be missing out on
Two months later, all I feel is pride
May 19th, 2016
It’s been two months since my dad has left
Two months to rediscover myself
Two months in which I realised that while this year may be the hardest year I’ve had to date
It’s also going to be the best
Want to know why?
Because my horizon has expanded
I found happiness in the world again
I’m surrounded by such amazing people
Meghan, Rachel, Elizabeth, Jacob, Kendall, Emma, Grace, Ryan, my teachers, my family
And so many more
Each one of these people put a smile on my face everyday
And every night I thank God that I have such loving people in my life
Dad…I miss you
I miss you so much, I wish you could be here to see me finish sophomore year
I wish you could be here for Sophia’s 10th birthday
I wish you could be here for my 17th birthday
I wish you could be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mom’s birthday, and so much more
See, the thing is that I come from a military family
Mom – 20 years in the air force
Dad – Soon to be captain, currently deployed for the Army
Grandparents and Great Grandparents who served in past wars
Today I stand up here, and all I feel is pride that I come from a family such as mine
Thanks for reading!!! Please feel free to share! So many people don’t understand what the kids and families go through during military deployments.
Cheers!
Michelle
Movin' it with Michelle 