Deployment thoughts · Uncategorized

Deployment through my 16 year old daughter’s eyes. 

My oldest came to me last night, telling me about her “slam poetry” contest she had to do today for school. She brought up the topic of the military family, but nothing could prepare me emotionally before reading her work. As I read these words I suddenly understood so much of the events that have taken place in the last 6 months, tears streaming down my cheeks, and my heart may have broke a little but it is also filled with so much pride. 

Here is her poem, that explains what she’s gone through during this deployment. Her poem won the contest today, and I am so proud of her for putting her thoughts together in this way and for sharing with everyone. Please feel free to share with anyone, military families especially.
Pride, by Jordyn D.
November, 2015

That first second I stepped into the car, I knew something was wrong

I could just tell by the look on my mom’s face

The face that communicated she was trying to stay strong, was trying to pretend everything was fine

When it so clearly wasn’t 

I remember that I had to practically beg her to tell me what was wrong

And I remember wishing that I didn’t know once I found out

I remember the shock that went through my body

The disbelief, followed by fear, followed by anger, followed by a crushing numbness

You see, my Dad’s in the Army, well Army Reserves to be exact, at least he was when this happened

You see, Army Reserves are the men who are on “stand by”, fully trained, fully qualified

Ready to deploy if ever comes the day when the order is given

Which so rarely happens

That’s what Active Duty was for, they were the men who were ‘“first pick”

The men that were deployed the most

So why, out of all the units in the U.S was my Dad’s chosen? 

At the time all I felt was confusion

Six months later, all I feel is pride

December, 2015

Christmas is my favorite holiday

But a month after finding out my dad won’t be here for the Christmas in 2016 all I felt was sorrow

Sorrow, confusion, anger, fear, and numbness

To me, it was just another month closer to having to say goodbye for a full year

My mom started saying “Let’s not wish the time away”

Yet I have never felt time go by as fast as it did

It was like trying to hold water 

Desperately trying to hold on, yet drop by drop time would escape

That Christmas I clung to each and every thing that happened

Desperately attempting to cherish what time I had left with my dad

December I tried to fix my problems by trying not to care

By trying to ignore my sorrow, confusion, anger, fear, and numbness

Five months later, all I feel is pride

January, 2016

Barely three months left

Date of deployment – March 8th, 2016

The month of January is a haze, I kind of lost myself that month, lost all sense of purpose

My sole priority – spending time with my Dad

I hadn’t hung out with anyone in three months

My relationships with people were weakening

Tension at home was strengthening

Time was diminishing 

My grades started to suffer

My overall mental health was a mess

I felt so alone

All the while still being drowned with the sadness, fear, anger, confusion, and numbness

Four months later, all I feel is pride

 

February, 2016

February was a blur

My dad wasn’t even home for the most part

Instead he was on the other side of the world on a scouting mission

Getting things ready for his unit to arrive when they finally deployed

February was when I felt the most anger

The most fear

The most everything

Our time left was growing smaller with each passing second

Three months later, all I feel is pride

March 8th, 2016

It was a Tuesday

It was cold

It was cloudy

It was the day I would say goodbye to my dad for a year

The final goodbye was the hardest thing I have gone through

Standing at the place where we would leave him, we were surrounded by many other families 

Each and every single one of us going through the same thing 

Each of us understanding

Listen to me when I say that saying goodbye to a loved one

When you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again

Is such an unexplainable loss 

A feeling that I cannot put into words

Such drowning sadness I felt that day, I didn’t know how I would get by 

All these what if’s running through my head

So many regrets, so much time lost

The sadness that there’s so much my dad will be missing out on

Two months later, all I feel is pride

May 19th, 2016

It’s been two months since my dad has left

Two months to rediscover myself

Two months in which I realised that while this year may be the hardest year I’ve had to date

It’s also going to be the best

Want to know why?

Because my horizon has expanded 

I found happiness in the world again

I’m surrounded by such amazing people

Meghan, Rachel, Elizabeth, Jacob, Kendall, Emma, Grace, Ryan, my teachers, my family

And so many more

Each one of these people put a smile on my face everyday

And every night I thank God that I have such loving people in my life

Dad…I miss you

I miss you so much, I wish you could be here to see me finish sophomore year

I wish you could be here for Sophia’s 10th birthday

I wish you could be here for my 17th birthday

I wish you could be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mom’s birthday, and so much more

See, the thing is that I come from a military family

Mom – 20 years in the air force

Dad – Soon to be captain, currently deployed for the Army 

Grandparents and Great Grandparents who served in past wars

Today I stand up here, and all I feel is pride that I come from a family such as mine

Thanks for reading!!! Please feel free to share!  So many people don’t understand what the kids and families go through during military deployments. 

Cheers!

Michelle

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24 thoughts on “Deployment through my 16 year old daughter’s eyes. 

  1. Pingback: Thanks and a dump
  2. That was SO beautiful!! I was reading here at work, and tears started to well up!!
    Thanks so much for sharing! We are all still learning how deployment affects you all!! Thank you for all you and your family do!!

  3. Michelle, I loved this so much! Jordyn is a very talented writer and if she wouldn’t mind, I would love to share this on my blog next Monday on Independence Day – linking to your blog and giving Jordyn credit of course. You and your are obviously doing things right! xoxo

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