Deployment thoughts, firsts, Uncategorized

Week 4…unfortunate firsts and lessons

In keeping with my “Tuesday firsts” post, I am forcing myself to write, and not give up on the goal I’ve set.


As you read yesterday, for the first time  last week, I visited the Art Institute of Chicago.  It was REALLY cool, and I love seeing all of the beautiful artwork and reading about the history of Van Gogh’s life.  Winning.  I also ran for the first time in over a week last night.  It was only 2 miles, and it was on the treadmill, but I ran!



Yet while last week was amazing, this week started out darn right terrible.  NOTE: If you are looking for an upbeat post, this isn’t it…But I do manage to end on a good note!!

I didn’t sleep Sunday night, yet made it through my work day with little residual damage having been so tired.  But during the day I had numerous texts, all from my teen telling me how horrible she felt.  Keep in mind, I am not a terrible Mom who isn’t compassionate about her child.  That statement couldn’t be farther from the truth.  But I AM keen to her past behavior and am well aware of her patterns.  Every. Single. TIME. My husband travels, she pulls this…she is too tired, has tummy issues, you name it…anything to NOT go to school.  It’s downright maddening because I already have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much on my plate.  SOOOO, we of course had a major blow out (not a first), and I can’t even repeat some of the things that were said.  Words hurt.  And you can’t erase them.  Just sayin’…

I am NOT doing so hot at this single Mom gig, I tell you that.  And last night, hearing my daughter scream how miserable I make her, multiple times, left me with the heaviest of hearts. So I cried. A lot.  Then I parked myself on the bathroom floor while my daughter took a shower, refusing to leave yet sadly wanting to run away as I heard her sob.

We mended things the best we could, but I did not sleep again last night.  She did not go to school. And our hearts, are still very heavy.  And for the first time in quite a while, I felt defeated.  Deflated.  And all the other bad D words you can think of.  I no longer believed I could do this.  And that made me feel like a failure.

Am I ruining my daughter’s spirit?  Ugh.  I just can’t.  I had my spirit ruined back when I was her age due to other circumstances, and it took me nearly 25 years to find it again…Please God, don’t let me be ruining her spirit. How am I going to get through this year?

Simply stated, I have to get through this year.  I am left with no choice but to have to keep going.  But for the first time I question our ability to get through this in one piece and without shattered spirits.  Numerous texts from my sister and Mom last night and today helped, and I can tell you had it not been for my sister, I probably would’ve been sent home today.  #sistering

And then I remember.  This is just one of the many phases of deployment.  Today, I am sad, heartbroken, tired, and feeling so very empty without my person.  But tomorrowtomorrow is a new day.  And I have to believe, I have to TRY to believe that I can do this, and do it without too many bumps and bruises. Last night I put in my green light bulb to support the soldiers who are deployed, and I prayed.  I prayed.  And I prayed some more.


Thankfully today, after a lot of talking and some rest, I think she’s feeling better and realizes she can’t keep repeated this pattern. #fingerscrossed

Tonight, I decided we needed some Portillos for dinner…because what is life without a good salad and French fries? #balanceright



Week 4/52….22 weeks until our halfway point.  Deep. Breaths.

How do you turn a bad situation around?  Any firsts you’d like to share?

Thanks for all of the amazing support!  Keep on Movin’ forward!

Cheers ❤



Deployment thoughts

Groundhogs day 2016 and happy moments

Happy Groundhogs day!!!!  I know, I know, seems something silly to celebrate, right?  But it hit me today that I need to celebrate every little happy moment, especially now.
photo cred:
photo cred:
Well, after having to cancel my lunch date with my husband yesterday as we were both off from work for ONCE in a very long time due to our youngest feeling ill and having to be pick up from school, we decided to make the most of it and rent a movie.
Martian was really great and it was nice to just hunker down and snuggle.  We made the most of the day, and got in some much needed family time. #celebrate That’s happy moment number 1 for this week.
This morning I headed out the door with my teen and a huge blow out ensued as we sat in the parking lot of her high school.  “Why are you always yelling at me?” she cried out, to which I could only answer “Why are you always so disrespectful and mean just to ME?”  A battle of the wits, and a never ending fight.  Being a Mom is hard work.  #sorrymom I drove to work in tears, wondering for the gazillionth time HOW I would do this for an entire year or more by myself.
I texted him when I arrived to work, choking back sobs and voicing my concerns.  Sigh. There’s that big fat elephant sitting on my chest again.
My teen and I have talked, made amends, and agreed to have better lines of communication.  A little less snark equals a lot less yelling, we both agreed.  We’ve come to this agreement a hundred times before, and I am hoping this will be the one.  Ok, I hope that each time, but hey, what’s wrong with a little hope. And there’s happy moment number 2.
photo cred:
photo cred:

What’s something happy that you’ve celebrated this week?  Do you have parenting trials with your teens?

Happy Tuesday, y’all!

❤ Michelle

Deployment thoughts, marathon training, Uncategorized

Pre-deployment thoughts

A lot of people have asked me how things are going in regards to my husband’s upcoming deployment.  At work, I keep on my game face most days, and I have really learned to hold it together for the most part.  At home, I can’t always say the same.

The truth is, the pre-deployment phase is almost worse than the deployment itself.  A million thoughts go through my head as I watch my husband mentally exit more and more every day.  I see the worried look on his face as he stares off in to space, and I see the tiredness compounding in his furrowed brow and blood shot eyes.  We’ve got just shy of 6 weeks to go, and just yesterday it seemed like I was saying he was leaving in 4 months.  Will the time go by just as quickly when he’s gone?  Probably not, but I sure can hope.

I question whether or not my teenage daughter and I will get through this year, to be honest.  For the last few weeks, things have actually been pretty great…and in honor of her privacy, I’ll just say last night we had one of our infamous blowouts.  You know, the kind that leave you feeling like you’ve been punched in the throat?  Yup…one of those.  But my husband was there, as always, to mediate.  He’s always been so great at being our middle man, our “let’s hash this SH&%!” guy…what will we do when he’s not here, and hormones are flying?  Lord help us, truly.

Despite the fact that I know I am strong, and I know I will get through this, I honestly don’t want to hear that sentence from ONE MORE person.  I really don’t. I’m sorry if that sounds mean and I appreciate the fact people think I am strong, but instead let’s sit down and talk about how bad this freaking sucks, or as my husband admits, “I’m sorry for the hell I’m putting you through.”  Let’s share a glass of wine, and talk about how we’ve got each other’s backs as friends/family and a reminder of “I’m here for you” would be wonderful.  Because isn’t that what friends and family are for?  To get through the hard SH&%# together? I sure think so…

What am I going to do about the fact that this truly sucks?  I’m going to take care of ME, so I can better take care of my kids.  I’ve started taking more time on my physical appearance, actually taking time on my make up in the morning, picking out nice outfits to wear for work, etc.  I started doing this a few weeks ago, and it’s amazing how much of a difference it makes I’ve found. Even my coworkers noticed, asking me why I am dressing up more…I smiled and said, “If I look pretty on the outside, maybe it’ll cheer me up on the inside,” and I think it’s working, a little…

So this weekend I will (I hope) get out on the roads/trails and get my first official long run in of 6 miles.  To keep mentally sane through all of this, I’ve been working out a lot at home (Tracy Anderson Transformation videos) , planking, and treadmilling when needed.  I can happily report that between stress-haha, a healthy diet, and consistent working out, I have lost nearly all of my marathon weight from last year.  My goal this year is to NOT gain weight during training, if I do decide to stick with the full.

12605434_1086246881418436_6509335534326877025_oThird work out this week!!!


Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words during this difficult time.  I am so glad I decided to keep the blog going while my hubby is gone, and appreciate the support and prayers. And guess what?  My teen just came up to me and gave me a hug, saying she was sorry for yesterday.  I hugged her tight, and told her I was sorry too…#allthefeels

❤ Michelle