Deployment thoughts · marathon training · Uncategorized

Pre-deployment thoughts

A lot of people have asked me how things are going in regards to my husband’s upcoming deployment.  At work, I keep on my game face most days, and I have really learned to hold it together for the most part.  At home, I can’t always say the same.

The truth is, the pre-deployment phase is almost worse than the deployment itself.  A million thoughts go through my head as I watch my husband mentally exit more and more every day.  I see the worried look on his face as he stares off in to space, and I see the tiredness compounding in his furrowed brow and blood shot eyes.  We’ve got just shy of 6 weeks to go, and just yesterday it seemed like I was saying he was leaving in 4 months.  Will the time go by just as quickly when he’s gone?  Probably not, but I sure can hope.

I question whether or not my teenage daughter and I will get through this year, to be honest.  For the last few weeks, things have actually been pretty great…and in honor of her privacy, I’ll just say last night we had one of our infamous blowouts.  You know, the kind that leave you feeling like you’ve been punched in the throat?  Yup…one of those.  But my husband was there, as always, to mediate.  He’s always been so great at being our middle man, our “let’s hash this SH&%!” guy…what will we do when he’s not here, and hormones are flying?  Lord help us, truly.

Despite the fact that I know I am strong, and I know I will get through this, I honestly don’t want to hear that sentence from ONE MORE person.  I really don’t. I’m sorry if that sounds mean and I appreciate the fact people think I am strong, but instead let’s sit down and talk about how bad this freaking sucks, or as my husband admits, “I’m sorry for the hell I’m putting you through.”  Let’s share a glass of wine, and talk about how we’ve got each other’s backs as friends/family and a reminder of “I’m here for you” would be wonderful.  Because isn’t that what friends and family are for?  To get through the hard SH&%# together? I sure think so…

What am I going to do about the fact that this truly sucks?  I’m going to take care of ME, so I can better take care of my kids.  I’ve started taking more time on my physical appearance, actually taking time on my make up in the morning, picking out nice outfits to wear for work, etc.  I started doing this a few weeks ago, and it’s amazing how much of a difference it makes I’ve found. Even my coworkers noticed, asking me why I am dressing up more…I smiled and said, “If I look pretty on the outside, maybe it’ll cheer me up on the inside,” and I think it’s working, a little…

So this weekend I will (I hope) get out on the roads/trails and get my first official long run in of 6 miles.  To keep mentally sane through all of this, I’ve been working out a lot at home (Tracy Anderson Transformation videos) , planking, and treadmilling when needed.  I can happily report that between stress-haha, a healthy diet, and consistent working out, I have lost nearly all of my marathon weight from last year.  My goal this year is to NOT gain weight during training, if I do decide to stick with the full.

12605434_1086246881418436_6509335534326877025_oThird work out this week!!!

 

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words during this difficult time.  I am so glad I decided to keep the blog going while my hubby is gone, and appreciate the support and prayers. And guess what?  My teen just came up to me and gave me a hug, saying she was sorry for yesterday.  I hugged her tight, and told her I was sorry too…#allthefeels

❤ Michelle

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42 thoughts on “Pre-deployment thoughts

  1. Well I can certainly sympathize with the teenage drama blowout! I have a 16-yo girl, and OMG the DRAMA! I’m glad she apologized to you. I certainly don’t get that very often. Hang in there! Kudos on your workouts!

  2. Having a teenaged daughter as well.. All I have to offer is ‘get a good counselor’. We use the one my DD goes to as a mediator. DD can talk to her about what ever, I can text / email her about things that I’m not dealing with w.r.t. DD. We can have difficult discussions with her there to mediate. It helps, a lot. Plus, if I need to know that there’s an issue, I get a ‘flag’ email… Giving me enough to be able to understand or ask the ‘right’ questions to hear for myself. Hugs. You will both survive this .. And maybe be closer after. Prayers for your hubby to be safe.

  3. I had a different situation as a mom. I became a single parent (by way of a divorce) when I was 31. I had 3 sons and an ex that never helped financially. I’m thankful I had my mom through those years, but it wasn’t easy. Two different times, for a total of 9 years, I worked two jobs. People used to tell me how strong I was, but truth be told, I felt like a little girl who just wanted to cry most of the time. I was scared too. Many years have gone by and just writing that brought me right back to those same feelings and tears to my eyes. It does suck for your family, no doubt. It’s very difficult being a single parent, which you will be, for all intents and purposes, for the next year. I understand what you’re saying. I’m super happy you got a hug tonight. It’s those moments that reassure you that in the end, it just may be okay. Luv you bunches Michelle. ❤️❤️

      1. Yes, someday we will meet and have a nice long talk over coffee, or wine, or whatever. 😊❤️

  4. Michelle, your 5 minute planks AMAZE me! How did you build up to get that long? You must have abs of STEEL! I can go for 1:30 right now, but I am a shaking, quivering mess, ha ha! Please share your secrets that got you to this amazing 5-minute time!

  5. I’m going through a little of this “oh the things people say” myself. I know people mean well, but if one more person tells me to get a new dog since mine passed away on Monday, I think I’m going to scream. I will be fine, I will get another dog down the road, but can I just grieve this one? Sigh.

    It’s awesome that you are holding it together at work. I wish I could say the same. The demands of some of our patients and one of my partners are making me cry. Every day.

    Hugs. Let’s commiserate.

  6. I love your honesty. And you SHOULD be honest because you are right – this does freaking suck! I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope the time passes quickly for you. Thank you to you, your husband and your family for your service to this country. The sacrifices you and your family made for our country are incredible. Lots of hugs, prayers, and wine drinking in your honor coming your way!!! xo

  7. I remember my teenage days and I regret being the brat I was to my mom. I am yearning for a child, but I dread the terrible teens.

    You are taking all the right steps. I am so impressed with how you have stuck to clean eating, workout routine, in spite of everything on your plate. That must have been really hard.

    when I read your story, I am often reminded how much easier I have it on some aspects than you. It reminds me to get off my butt and get going. So thank you for sharing and being so honest!

    I know you don’t want to hear it, but you are a hero too!

  8. #allthefeels is right. This makes me think of that quote:”you have 100% success rate of making it through your bad days” that I posted a little bit back. I know that you are scared, I know that you don’t know if you can be strong enough to make it though. But I have absolute and utter confidence that you can. Not even a question. You have so much strength than you know–have a little faith in YOURSELF.

  9. I remember when a friend went through a terrible break up she told me that what kept her on track was the every morning she told herself, “As long as you comb your hair, you’re going to be ok”. We have to remember not to let go of the little things…sometimes that’s just combing your hair, other times it’s still wearing pretty clothes to work. Big hugs.

  10. AHHHH!! Ok, ok, I’ve been trying to be positive, but you are SO right!!! THIS SUUUUCCCCKKKKKSS!! It sucks and it’s not fair and I totally get it. I remember feeling that same exact way when my hubby deployed. Someone, anyone just validate my feelings that this does indeed suck. I think it was harder hearing “awww, you are strong you will get through” from people who weren’t in the military and had no freaking clue how hard dealing with this stuff is. With that being said, we also put ourselves in the situation to be vulnerable for things such as deployments and other things. It’s such an ambivalent place to be don’t you think? I think your plan is a good one. Take care of you and it will be so much easier to take care of the kids. Now, as for the teenage angst, I can’t speak to that one…yet. 🙂

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