A lot of people have asked me how things are going in regards to my husband’s upcoming deployment. At work, I keep on my game face most days, and I have really learned to hold it together for the most part. At home, I can’t always say the same.
The truth is, the pre-deployment phase is almost worse than the deployment itself. A million thoughts go through my head as I watch my husband mentally exit more and more every day. I see the worried look on his face as he stares off in to space, and I see the tiredness compounding in his furrowed brow and blood shot eyes. We’ve got just shy of 6 weeks to go, and just yesterday it seemed like I was saying he was leaving in 4 months. Will the time go by just as quickly when he’s gone? Probably not, but I sure can hope.
I question whether or not my teenage daughter and I will get through this year, to be honest. For the last few weeks, things have actually been pretty great…and in honor of her privacy, I’ll just say last night we had one of our infamous blowouts. You know, the kind that leave you feeling like you’ve been punched in the throat? Yup…one of those. But my husband was there, as always, to mediate. He’s always been so great at being our middle man, our “let’s hash this SH&%!” guy…what will we do when he’s not here, and hormones are flying? Lord help us, truly.
Despite the fact that I know I am strong, and I know I will get through this, I honestly don’t want to hear that sentence from ONE MORE person. I really don’t. I’m sorry if that sounds mean and I appreciate the fact people think I am strong, but instead let’s sit down and talk about how bad this freaking sucks, or as my husband admits, “I’m sorry for the hell I’m putting you through.” Let’s share a glass of wine, and talk about how we’ve got each other’s backs as friends/family and a reminder of “I’m here for you” would be wonderful. Because isn’t that what friends and family are for? To get through the hard SH&%# together? I sure think so…
What am I going to do about the fact that this truly sucks? I’m going to take care of ME, so I can better take care of my kids. I’ve started taking more time on my physical appearance, actually taking time on my make up in the morning, picking out nice outfits to wear for work, etc. I started doing this a few weeks ago, and it’s amazing how much of a difference it makes I’ve found. Even my coworkers noticed, asking me why I am dressing up more…I smiled and said, “If I look pretty on the outside, maybe it’ll cheer me up on the inside,” and I think it’s working, a little…
So this weekend I will (I hope) get out on the roads/trails and get my first official long run in of 6 miles. To keep mentally sane through all of this, I’ve been working out a lot at home (Tracy Anderson Transformation videos) , planking, and treadmilling when needed. I can happily report that between stress-haha, a healthy diet, and consistent working out, I have lost nearly all of my marathon weight from last year. My goal this year is to NOT gain weight during training, if I do decide to stick with the full.
Third work out this week!!!
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words during this difficult time. I am so glad I decided to keep the blog going while my hubby is gone, and appreciate the support and prayers. And guess what? My teen just came up to me and gave me a hug, saying she was sorry for yesterday. I hugged her tight, and told her I was sorry too…#allthefeels