Deployment thoughts · firsts · Uncategorized

Week 4…unfortunate firsts and lessons

In keeping with my “Tuesday firsts” post, I am forcing myself to write, and not give up on the goal I’ve set.

 

As you read yesterday, for the first time  last week, I visited the Art Institute of Chicago.  It was REALLY cool, and I love seeing all of the beautiful artwork and reading about the history of Van Gogh’s life.  Winning.  I also ran for the first time in over a week last night.  It was only 2 miles, and it was on the treadmill, but I ran!

week4

 

Yet while last week was amazing, this week started out darn right terrible.  NOTE: If you are looking for an upbeat post, this isn’t it…But I do manage to end on a good note!!

I didn’t sleep Sunday night, yet made it through my work day with little residual damage having been so tired.  But during the day I had numerous texts, all from my teen telling me how horrible she felt.  Keep in mind, I am not a terrible Mom who isn’t compassionate about her child.  That statement couldn’t be farther from the truth.  But I AM keen to her past behavior and am well aware of her patterns.  Every. Single. TIME. My husband travels, she pulls this…she is too tired, has tummy issues, you name it…anything to NOT go to school.  It’s downright maddening because I already have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much on my plate.  SOOOO, we of course had a major blow out (not a first), and I can’t even repeat some of the things that were said.  Words hurt.  And you can’t erase them.  Just sayin’…

I am NOT doing so hot at this single Mom gig, I tell you that.  And last night, hearing my daughter scream how miserable I make her, multiple times, left me with the heaviest of hearts. So I cried. A lot.  Then I parked myself on the bathroom floor while my daughter took a shower, refusing to leave yet sadly wanting to run away as I heard her sob.

We mended things the best we could, but I did not sleep again last night.  She did not go to school. And our hearts, are still very heavy.  And for the first time in quite a while, I felt defeated.  Deflated.  And all the other bad D words you can think of.  I no longer believed I could do this.  And that made me feel like a failure.

Am I ruining my daughter’s spirit?  Ugh.  I just can’t.  I had my spirit ruined back when I was her age due to other circumstances, and it took me nearly 25 years to find it again…Please God, don’t let me be ruining her spirit. How am I going to get through this year?

Simply stated, I have to get through this year.  I am left with no choice but to have to keep going.  But for the first time I question our ability to get through this in one piece and without shattered spirits.  Numerous texts from my sister and Mom last night and today helped, and I can tell you had it not been for my sister, I probably would’ve been sent home today.  #sistering

And then I remember.  This is just one of the many phases of deployment.  Today, I am sad, heartbroken, tired, and feeling so very empty without my person.  But tomorrowtomorrow is a new day.  And I have to believe, I have to TRY to believe that I can do this, and do it without too many bumps and bruises. Last night I put in my green light bulb to support the soldiers who are deployed, and I prayed.  I prayed.  And I prayed some more.

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Thankfully today, after a lot of talking and some rest, I think she’s feeling better and realizes she can’t keep repeated this pattern. #fingerscrossed

Tonight, I decided we needed some Portillos for dinner…because what is life without a good salad and French fries? #balanceright

week4portillos

 

Week 4/52….22 weeks until our halfway point.  Deep. Breaths.

How do you turn a bad situation around?  Any firsts you’d like to share?

Thanks for all of the amazing support!  Keep on Movin’ forward!

Cheers ❤

Michelle

 

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23 thoughts on “Week 4…unfortunate firsts and lessons

  1. Sorry to hear about your rough week, but congrats on getting a run in. Also, Portillo’s somehow has a way of making things just a little better! 🙂 Here’s to a better rest-of-the-week!

  2. Ugh… sorry about the hard start to the week 😦 The teen years really are hard but I’m hoping the week turns around and the talking helped. The Portillos dinner sounds well earned!

  3. Teenagers can know exactly how to press your buttons. When I was struggling with mine I often drew on something Dr Phil said (no I’m not a huge fan but some of the things he says make sense). His pearl of wisdom was that you don’t have to be your child’s friend. You’re there to teach them the skills to survive in adulthood. Sometimes that will mean that you disagree. And sometimes there will be fights but as long as they know you love them and you’re making decisions in their best interest it’ll all be okay.

  4. Ooooh Michelle….my heart breaks for you.

    I am so sorry you all are having such a hard time adjusting. I know how uch you all miss your husband/dad.

    Have you all ever considered therapy? I know it is not for everyone but it has literally saved my life.

    Hugs from MD…always thinking of you and your family.

    My 1st this past week:
    – visiting downtown Philly
    -running a race without my Garmin

  5. I raised 4 kids and 2 nieces alone so I know what you are going though and its tough. No matter what kids tell you the truth is they love you. Its a tough road to haul and in all honesty there are going to always be challenges 14 though 18 are the hardest years. The only advice I can offer is to tell them you love them often.

  6. Awwwww… I’m sorry you have to go through this on your own. Well, my hubby had a surgery on his shoulder this Monday, so now I’ve got 3 babies to take care of: him, our baby daughter and our doggy. On a positive note, he’s home with me now 😀 Also, I just started training for my first half – exciting!

  7. I’m pretty darn sure you’re not ruining your daughter’s spirit. Kids can be that way under the best of circumstances, and this isn’t the best of circumstances.

    At least the furkids love you unconditionally, no matter if you scream and scare the bejeezus out of them.

    I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don’t, just sympathy and a willing ear.

  8. Welllllll, I woke up this morning to find my son’s wrecked Jeep in the front yard. I don’t know how he got it home. The front tire is completely shredded. This parenting thing is not for the weak. We’re all in this thing together.

    Going for a run as we speak. I need to run this off.

  9. Sorry to hear you have had a rough wk. It will get better#fingers crossed. I’m sure there is alot of adjusting going on and it can be hard at that age. I always feel a bit better when I have something healthy with something not so much. Hope you have a better wk!

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