In keeping with my “Tuesday firsts” post, I am forcing myself to write, and not give up on the goal I’ve set.
As you read yesterday, for the first time last week, I visited the Art Institute of Chicago. It was REALLY cool, and I love seeing all of the beautiful artwork and reading about the history of Van Gogh’s life. Winning. I also ran for the first time in over a week last night. It was only 2 miles, and it was on the treadmill, but I ran!
Yet while last week was amazing, this week started out darn right terrible. NOTE: If you are looking for an upbeat post, this isn’t it…But I do manage to end on a good note!!
I didn’t sleep Sunday night, yet made it through my work day with little residual damage having been so tired. But during the day I had numerous texts, all from my teen telling me how horrible she felt. Keep in mind, I am not a terrible Mom who isn’t compassionate about her child. That statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. But I AM keen to her past behavior and am well aware of her patterns. Every. Single. TIME. My husband travels, she pulls this…she is too tired, has tummy issues, you name it…anything to NOT go to school. It’s downright maddening because I already have SOOOOOOOOOOOO much on my plate. SOOOO, we of course had a major blow out (not a first), and I can’t even repeat some of the things that were said. Words hurt. And you can’t erase them. Just sayin’…
I am NOT doing so hot at this single Mom gig, I tell you that. And last night, hearing my daughter scream how miserable I make her, multiple times, left me with the heaviest of hearts. So I cried. A lot. Then I parked myself on the bathroom floor while my daughter took a shower, refusing to leave yet sadly wanting to run away as I heard her sob.
We mended things the best we could, but I did not sleep again last night. She did not go to school. And our hearts, are still very heavy. And for the first time in quite a while, I felt defeated. Deflated. And all the other bad D words you can think of. I no longer believed I could do this. And that made me feel like a failure.
Am I ruining my daughter’s spirit? Ugh. I just can’t. I had my spirit ruined back when I was her age due to other circumstances, and it took me nearly 25 years to find it again…Please God, don’t let me be ruining her spirit. How am I going to get through this year?
Simply stated, I have to get through this year. I am left with no choice but to have to keep going. But for the first time I question our ability to get through this in one piece and without shattered spirits. Numerous texts from my sister and Mom last night and today helped, and I can tell you had it not been for my sister, I probably would’ve been sent home today. #sistering
And then I remember. This is just one of the many phases of deployment. Today, I am sad, heartbroken, tired, and feeling so very empty without my person. But tomorrow…tomorrow is a new day. And I have to believe, I have to TRY to believe that I can do this, and do it without too many bumps and bruises. Last night I put in my green light bulb to support the soldiers who are deployed, and I prayed. I prayed. And I prayed some more.
Thankfully today, after a lot of talking and some rest, I think she’s feeling better and realizes she can’t keep repeated this pattern. #fingerscrossed
Tonight, I decided we needed some Portillos for dinner…because what is life without a good salad and French fries? #balanceright
Week 4/52….22 weeks until our halfway point. Deep. Breaths.
How do you turn a bad situation around? Any firsts you’d like to share?
Thanks for all of the amazing support! Keep on Movin’ forward!