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Goodbyes

In the blink of an eye reality can change.  Often times this change can be a wonderful surprise, but that isn’t the case for me this time…

Thursday I got the call from my husband that no military spouse ever wants to receive.  That “This isn’t a text conversation please call me” call that is heart shattering.  “Where are you going, and how long will you be gone this time?” I asked, thinking it was just another work trip.  “Call me” was his answer and with a shaking hand I lifted the receiver off my work phone.

My husband delivered the news that he is getting deployed overseas for 12 months.  There.  I said it.  I’ve told close friends and family, but I’ve kept to myself the last several days while trying to digest the idea of him being in harms way for another year.  See, when I met him 12 years ago, it was just a few short months prior to his deployment to Afghanistan.  We met late summer of ’03 and he deployed in October.  I have loved this man from the very moment I laid eyes on him, so there was no question if I’d wait for him or not.  I waited. For 10 1/2 months I waited by the phone as this was long before times where Skyping and instant messaging happened.  I waited for that call, that MIGHT come every few weeks, and I checked my mail box Every. Damn. Day. in hopes that I’d find a letter.  I didn’t watch the news in fear of what I’d see, yet found myself so very compelled to turn the channel back to CNN for just a peak.  I didn’t sleep in fears of missing a phone call, and I worried more than I ever have about anyone or anything in my lifetime other than my daughters.

It was the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever done.

And now.  I have to do it again.

And I question if I can do it.  I know I must, as the country needs my husband.  He has been called to do what he does best, and that is lead his troops.  But the whiney side of me wants to bawl my eyes out and say “I need you too, your daughters need you too…”  Yet I can’t…I have my own duty as retired Air Force MSgt, and a military spouse to perform.

HE needs to know I am strong, and that I can take care of things here so he doesn’t have to worry.  His worries are far bigger than whether or not I can get the kids to the bus in time before I go to work. He doesn’t need to be bothered with house repairs or paying bills.  No.  His calling is far greater than any of these issues.

So here in the next few months I may lose a little of my sparkle.  The light in my eyes will be slightly dimmed, as this man I must say goodbye to is the reason why I shine. He sees something in me that many don’t, and despite our problems he continues to not give up on me.

Please pardon my slight absence as of late.  I am just so. very. sad. For me, for my daughters, and for the year of memories my husband will miss out on. Yet this too, in time, shall pass.

I ask that you keep my husband and his unit in your prayers over the next year and a half.  Keep their safety, well being, and morale lifted up in your daily prayers.

Many thanks and blessings,

❤ Michelle

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