Celebrate the good · depression · moving forward

Finding my happiness…

This morning I was reading one of my favorite blogs over at Suzlyfe. I love her blog because its raw, its real, all while being informative and entertaining. I needed a little respite from the funk I’ve been in, so when I opened my email this morning to get my daily dose of Suz, I found myself moved to tears.

See, between not getting promoted and not hearing back on any prospective leads I thought I had, along with dealing with some resentment and anger issues (don’t ask, we can save that for another post, or not…) I’ve found myself in a funk. My mood sucks, my running sucks (if you can call running twice a week actual running) and my cooking has even started to suck. The ONE thing I actually think I am half way decent at has fallen flat and left my family (more so me) less than impressed. This has been ongoing for the last few weeks, and with each dish I prepare, it’s either under/over cooked, over seasoned, or just plain blah. And this is quite unlike me, I’d like to think at least. So last night when my hubby had to take my oldest to the dentist, I thought, HEY, I will make the steak for the tacos we planned on having along with getting the beans and corn ready. Too easy, right? Wrong…I cooked the steak with beautiful grill marks and set aside to rest. I then decided it necessary to mutilate the beans, overcooking them by a good 15 minutes. Just before they got home from the dentist I went to slice in to my beautifully grilled and rested meat to find it was still RAW. And not just slightly raw, I am talking, the cow may have had a MOO or two left in him. Ugh…I threw it back in the pan, and sighed a heavy sigh.  

After dinner we cleared the plates and I told my family I was on a hiatus from cooking. If I can’t joy in cooking, I simply can’t cook. With that, I headed upstairs to take a shower and have a good cry but when I turned around my oldest daughter had decided to come up and comfort me. I don’t hide my emotions very well, and my family knows me better than most. She gave me a huge hug and said, “You ok, Mom?” and I broke in to a sob. “Don’t settle in life honey,” I pleaded with her. “Write your books, chase your dreams, just please don’t get stuck like Mommy is. While I was in the Air Force it was ok to have this job, but now I feel stuck.” And she just hugged me tighter, promising she’d chase her dreams. We even pinky promised which is like a golden seal in our house. Yup, my almost 18 year old still will pinky promise with me. ❤ And suddenly I found my happiness again, right there in the comfort of my first born daughter’s arms. Funny how the tables can turn.  

My takeaway from last night was twofold. Yes, I am feeling stuck, and I think RUT might be my new middle name. BUT…I had a beautiful moment with my daughter that no one can take away, and I need to focus on moments like these vs. feeling a little stuck. Because we can’t be stuck if we are still making the choice to get out of bed every day and do our best.

OX10L

 

My time will come. I just know it. And I am so thankful for the beautiful people in my life that have helped me see the brighter side of things. Thanks Suz, this one is for you!

 

Cheers,

 

Michelle

 

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21 thoughts on “Finding my happiness…

  1. HUGS and POSITIVE THOUGHTS YOUR WAY MY FRIEND!

    How sweet of your daughter! I loved how you let her see you vulnerable and raw! I think its great for the kids to see that we don’t always have it all together.

  2. I’m sorry you have been going through struggles, I’ll send some positive thoughts your way! Maybe something even better is waiting around the corner for you!
    I’m glad you were able to have the magical moment with your daughter though!!!

  3. I bought a book called the Daily Motivator by Ralph Marston and start my day with a positive thought each day, it takes less than 5 minutes to read but sets the tone for each day. It has helped change my attitude on some days from blah to I got this! Maybe it would help you to? And yes you are a runner, you run, therefore you are a runner, two days of running a week is more than none! I will say a prayer your funk lifts or that you learn what you need to in order to move forward again ❤

  4. So much love to and for you. My heart aches for you that you are having to deal with so much that is weighing you down. And when it pervade what you love, what makes you tick (especially now that you SHOULD be so happy now that Brian is home), it feels like everything is falling apart. But there are these moments of stillness, when you look at those girls, at Brian, at your beautiful family, and you just know that it will be alright, and that, if you were really splitting hairs, it IS alright. That doesn’t mean you settle, but that you can find the #happiness in the midst of the chaos that is life because you have these incredible pillars–they are there, they watched you be insanely strong for so long, let them help you.

    So much love. I’m always here for you if you need me.

  5. Aww your daughter is so sweet! Just hang in there.

    Just a thought: have you ever tried meditation? Not the hippy dippy kind you see in the movies, just a time to close your eyes, clear your thoughts and focus on deep breaths. A lot of people do it for 5-10 minutes a day and say it really helps bring them into the present moment and feel a little more centered, even if just for a few minutes. I don’t know if you’re a reader, but I find reading very meditative too – it gets me out of my own head and into another world. I always feel so much more calm after I’ve spent some time reading a good novel!

  6. Oh my dear Michelle. I love what Jordyn did for you as I know how much it means to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. I always want to know what the meaning is when it happens to me, and most of the time it never reveals itself. It can leave us feeling defeated, but you are such an inspiration to so many of us, that maybe the direction you think you want isn’t where it will end up going. Does that make sense? One of the great mysteries of life, but your testimony speaks to so many of us every day. Sending love and hugs your way. Xoxo

  7. I am sure your moment will come, too.

    This past year has just been grueling on me, too, for very different reasons. Sometimes I get in a real funk with cooking, too, and just don’t want to do it — right now, I think I just need some damn sun! It’s been teasing us the last few days, breaking out occasionally, but we’re not really going to see it until next week.

    Sometimes taking a break from something helps you to fall in love with it all over again. I hope that’s the case for you!

    I think maybe you need to buy yourself some flowers. Book a massage. Bubble bath. Do whatever it is (besides your family) that feeds your soul and makes you feel special.

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