I like to remain on the side of positivity and happiness. The last few years I’ve made that my mantra, my goal, and my daily prophecy so to speak.
But some days. Days like today when the temps are plummeting and the skies are bleak, I catch myself lying. I caveat this statement with the fact I haven’t slept more the 2 hours each night in the last several nights yet am a creature who requires 5-6 hours of sleep each night, so my judgment with what I share could possibly be swayed.
I hit a few bumps in the road of positivity today. I caught myself looking in the mirror investigating the 42 years of ‘stuff’ that was now imprinted on my face in the disguise of wrinkles, pores, and fine lines that are no longer regarded to as ‘fine.’ I listened to myself speaking to my children in a way I swore I never would, and suddenly I found myself feeling very old…and very sad.
Where did I go?
Have I been lying all along when I say I’ve embraced aging?
No…I am telling the truth.
But it isn’t without struggle to see my youth pass me by…to see the once lean and fit body start to deteriorate. The sagging skin, the droopy eyes, and the night sweats are truly for the birds. Yes, I am missing my early/mid 30’s terribly, I won’t lie….
I dug up pictures from 20 years ago tonight. Maybe in efforts to remind myself of the youthful and spunky spirit I once had…maybe more so to remind myself that I didn’t always look
and feel so tired or hide my bags behind my unwanted glasses. I am also listening to my favorite early 90’s music. Don’t judge.
But I’d be lying…if I said I didn’t miss that girl. Man, I had such fire back in the day. I was fun. Sure – I was troubled. BUT I lived on the edge…always. More digressing…sorry, y’all…
So here we go…
My fire is still there…refocused, rechanneled, and in need of a good recharge…
I will continue to run, and delve in to my gazillion other passions. But a part of me will always, miss, that girl.
But she’s still there. And I am reminded of that…daily. ❤
My advice. Be you. Be true. Always.