There are moments in life we often wish we could forget.
There are moments in life we wish we could hold on to forever.
There are GREAT training runs we are proud of.
And there are days, even weeks we wish we could just put behind us.
I have been training now for 14 weeks respectively. I have been working in a new job that although I love, I have found myself complaining about the hours.
Today, I kicked myself for complaining. For I have a job that pays decently, and I have a roof over my head and food on my table.
What I don’t have, is a happy household.
I said it.
I have struggled with my teenager for longer than I care to admit. Long work hours, husband traveling, and now added training hours, I am sure have not helped.
We hit our cross road today when I got home from my long run of 14 miles, and hubby was away for a well-deserved weekend of fun.
Went quite well despite a few hic-ups…I was able to get a couple ‘flying miles’ in, and spend a couple hours with some very dear running friends. It was by far, not my best long run, and I admittedly was a bit disappointed in my average pace of 10:31 for 14 miles. But we finished strong, and I was satisfied.
I came home to my normal hormonal teen, and immediately the bliss I felt on the trails was replaced with anger, hurt, and disappointment in me as a Mother. We fought, and I poured myself into a hot shower hoping for relief.
Yet as I got out of the shower I felt something was ‘off.’ I went to her room to check on her, and found a dark room, and the doors of the front closet where we keep shoes, left wide open.
She. Was gone.
Grabbed my youngest after throwing on some clothes, and searched the neighborhood…texted her friends, drove, cried, and searched for my child whom I can’t seem to connect with…
And my heart broke a little more with every neighborhood we drove through, with no child in site.
Within 30 minutes she called my cell phone from our house phone. She was safe, home, and aware of what she did wrong.
But who truly has done wrong?
I am left feeling as if I am failing her as a Mother…
Her biggest concern is the length of her punishment…normal, for sure for a nearly 14 year old.
But does she not see the importance of communication and treating people with respect and kindness? Are my efforts truly falling on deaf ears?
Do I work too much? Run too far? Am I too hard on her?
I am still having a hard time finding the words. I thought I could pour myself in to my new Garmin, but even THAT I couldn’t figure out…
It seems despite a strong training season, I am lacking in so many other areas. I am often left to feel as if I don’t belong in my own home.
Yup…I said that too…
After a time, you find yourself giving, and giving, and giving some more…until you have nothing left to give and your heart feeling empty.
So tonight, I allowed myself dinner with friends, so that I could not only GIVE, but receive kindness and support.
Yet still the hole in my heart is aching, and I have a void to fill with my daughter before it’s too late…I don’t want to hit that stage with her…and I pray we have a chance to mend broken bridges.
So this coming weekend on my 20 miler, I will be pacing, yet more than likely running 95% silently, in my own head and heart in hopes of finding a balance between work, Motherhood, and my own passions.
Re-reading this, I realize it may be too much to ‘put out there’ but holding it all in any long would be too much….
I may be quiet for a bit…as I search for my balance and peace. I can’t keep preaching what I don’t practice. But, I am truly thankful for the select few who have been there throughout this crazy process we call ‘Marathon training’ and life. Y’all rock.
Week 14 of training. Completed.