I don’t often blog about my history of depression. I’ve shared my story in the past, but in moving forward I’ve tried to keep the details and situations I’ve dealt with where they belong…and that is in the past. I have learned, grown, and pushed myself out of some pretty dark places in my life. And I know that does not make me special in any way, nor do I feel like I am someone to be looked up to or held at a higher esteem because I didn’t give up.
Because I wanted to give up.
More times than I can count.
I’ve cried, screamed, and pounded my hands on my steering wheel while driving home because it was the only place I could do it privately.
During many a run, I had to stop and hold back the tears…
I wanted to just throw in the towel, believing at the time(s) that the world would be a better place without me in it…Yet I thankfully was reminded quite quickly I’d be missed, and that I was loved. No matter the darkness I often embodied…
I was loved. I just needed to love myself.
I needed. To love. Myself.
And it took nearly 4 decades to do just this…
Wait for it…
I love who I am becoming. It’s a daily challenge, and I am taking it full force.
Finally, I have found my true north, within my own soul. I am, my own compass.
I still hate my hair…my mid section…oh, and that darn cellulite that has dug it’s ever living claws in to my back side. Oh, and can someone pass over the Botox for my wrinkles? LOL! jk
But inside, I am finding out who I am more and more every day. I have remained tried and true to my beliefs. I don’t let others dictate how I feel
most days daily.
Yet today, I found myself choking back the sobs in hearing the news of Robin Williams death. Not only because we’ve lost a true SMILE that visited millions of lives, but because I’ve been there…in that dark hour where there seems to be no way out. I used to actually get mad at my Mother for smiling/staring at me because I hated myself so much. Gosh I was such a shit.
But we’ve moved forward…reconciled and I am reveling in the fact that it is NEVER too late.
Yet sadly, it’s too late for Robin Williams. The social stigma and criticism of depression has so many people hiding behind clothes doors refusing to ask for help. And sadly this case is no different.
With that, I ask you to be kind. Be real. Embrace the fact that you may not understand what other people are going through, but a kind thought, word, or message can make someone’s day.
This week, my miles are dedicated to those suffering from depression. Both past and present.
Here are some of my favorite quotes from Robin Williams:
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.”
“You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”
“I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.”
So my challenge for you this week, is to dedicate one mile to someone that is suffering. Who’s with me?
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